Welcome to my eclectic journey of my life and delights. This year my theme is surrendering my writing pen to the true author, Jesus Christ, while looking forward to the future, reflecting on the past and dancing through my journey.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Note to Self - Laugh

NOTE to SELF - Never try to enter a conversation or should I say, try to relate to another woman who is clearly more successful in an area than you are.  Did this wisdom pop into my middle-aged, metabolism-zero,  50 pounds-overweight, grey-haired head...........WHY NO! 

I just jumped right into the exercise conversation with a possibly100 pounds-soaking-wet, gets-up every morning at 5-am-to-work-out for-two-hours, in-training for a-5K to-be-run with her-in-shape-husband, exercise-expert-mother....to try to relate.  Can you say...."Oh SEE it Coming."  I charmed in with, "yes, I am working out an hour a day with a 5 mile walk/jog video."  As the conversation left my area of success, I felt it all hitting the fan.  It went this way, "you know you have to work out an hour to maintain your weight and two hours to lose weight...that is for women our age."  Now she was trying to relate...which can't happen since she is years younger and doesn't have an ounce to lose.  I continued to inhale my plate full of food and crawled home to... EXERCISE..............NOT!!!!!  To mourn the fact that after two complete months of walk/jogging up to 17 miles per week, my scales are climbing....not declining.  
So, today I celebrate my SIMPLE PLEASURE for the week....LAUGHTER!!! and mainly laughing at myself.  After the following email was sent to me by a friend, who is in the same exercise shoes as me...(now I changed some "course" words which I don't use), but it got me off my ever-expanding bottom and I walked/jogged six miles.  I hope you can join me in the laugh, even if you are one who doesn't need to lose an ounce.  I am sure not telling others how to do lose weight....I am not an expert, but I can tell you how to gain weight.

You can visualize your own trainer!

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband  purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Ronaldo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Ronaldo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with dark hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!
Ronaldo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Ronaldo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Ronaldo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Ronaldo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members..  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Ronaldo put me on the stair monster.  Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Ronaldo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other crap,  too.

(You can pick a word) was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

I hate that donkey Ronaldo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Ronaldo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice, wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Thanks to my friend and her email, I enjoyed the Simple Pleasure of Laughter! I hope your week brings you many opportunities to laugh.

Project Simple Pleasures2

41 Joining in with more words:

Cindy said...

LOVE IT! Thank you for the laugh. I have to confess I saw someone the other day who was so thin and perky that I wanted to slap the smile off her face. There. You've now seen my dark carnal side. And yes, I did confess my sin to the Lord.

Sassy Granny ... said...

Oh my goodness, what a crack up!

Remember, muscle weighs more than fat :)

There are areas in my own life where I simply have to start each day with the idea that "I get to begin AGAIN".

Laughin' alongside you,

Debbie said...

HAHAHA...Now that was funny!! I have NEVER gotten those who are exercise freaks...NEVER....I think your hour a day to the video is fantastic btw!! How thrilled I'd be if I were doing that...I am lucky if I walk around doing what absolutely MUST be done...sigh...though for right now I am proof positive that at the end of the day it is all about how many calories you are eating. I barely move (trust me on this one, haha) and yet I have loss 14 pounds!! Of course I am sure an exercise freak would point out it would be A LOT more if I were exercising too. And sadly they are probably right. Thanks for the laugh here, I needed it. ; ) Have a wonderful day! HUGS

Lisa said...

LOL!!! I say chuck it all and have a doughnut...or two.:)

Theresa said...

Okay so I was actually moving my body trying to see how your would brush your teeth that way! ROFL!
Remember that muscle weighs more than fat so go by how your clothes are fitting. And the scale is a metal monster- throw it out :)

Angel @ Finding The Inspiring said...

This is a great post on a truly wonderful simple pleasure! What a hoot. I can totally identify. Thanks for the laughs!

⚜ ↁℯℬℬᴵℰ⚜ said...

LOL!!~ You keep on keeping girl. It still makes you feel good regardless. And who wants to be that skinny any how?

Jen said...

Hilarious! It's always good to take any opportunity to laugh!

It's Just Dottie said...

I enjoyed you today so much !!!

Lorie - The Midlife Housewife said...

This is so FUNNY!! Thanks for the laugh.

If I wanted to look like I did 15 years ago I could stand to loose 50lbs. But I don't want it that bad. ;)

I think you are doing GREAT!

myletterstoemily said...

laughter IS a great abdominal exercise!
i laughed the most at 'that donkey ronaldo!"

hee hee.

but seriously, you are doing the most
important thing by maintaining your
good health. those sweet children want
you around for your great grands!


Ms.Daisy said...

I have seen this email before and I laughed just as long and as loud as the first time I read it - it is hilarious! Laughing, by the way, is great inner exercise - so there to those who are stick thin and thirty years younger than myself! :)


Debbie said...

I lost it in the first sentence of Wednesday and by the end I had literally dropped my head to my arm on the desk and was peeking to read spits and spurts.

This just REALLY tickled my funny bone!!!!!!!!!

Sonja said...

Could you possibly be another one of those 'twin sisters' that I have already discovered I have several of?? This CRACKED ME UP!!!!

2 THINGS.... those skinny little twigs of girls who have it all together and are 22 years old... they STILL bother me!! :(

Like Sassy said... every day we get to begin again!!! Don't lose heart, you're doing great!!!

Love you and love this post!! :)


Farm Girl said...

That is so great, true too. It sound like my son's friend who comes over who is a exercise coach. I feel like hiding whenever he is here. :) He is a lovely young man with a heart for the lost so I don't. :) It is all so true. This week though, I felt like have had ants living under my skin. I thought I would lose my mind. I have also had heart palpitations. When my grandmother when through the change they put her on Valium. They thought she was loony. Now we just bite the bullet and exercise more and eat less and watch the scales climb. My doctor says though, once you make it through the change all of the weight will just all off. I do hope she isn't saying all of that to be nice. :)
I already eat less than a 2 year old. :)

sarah said...

this had me cracking up. loved it. too funny. Thanks for making my day.

Trisha said...

Thanks for the laugh. I'm realizing, too, that I have to work so much harder to lose the weight, but I don't have the desire to do all the work! Thanks for letting me in on the secret, though.....2 hours a day to lose the weight. Perhaps from 3-5 in the morning will do?

Love and hugs!

Mave said...

Thanks for the laughter you gave. That was great.

sue.anne.mckinney said...

Love Wednesday especially...this is how I feel after working out a couple of 'orb' or weighted balls videos w/ my daughter in law here in Singapore. OH MY> can barely sit down on ANYTHING.
2 HOURS a day? When would I take a nap???

Sharon Kirby said...

Oh too funny!

The first step is the hardest - true, but it still sounds like something Ronaldo the Sadist would say!

Hang in there, Janette - Middle age is not for sissies, and it's definitely not for anyone under the age of 40. Or for anyone who hasn't had a hot flash, hasn't touched up a few gray roots with mascara, or hasn't heard the cute young guy at the market check-out lane call you "Ma'am."

And if God wanted us to stay perky, He wouldn't have invented gravity - just sayin'...


Sue said...

I needed a good laugh tonight and I got one, you are just too much janette. I tell myself all the time that what is tipping the scale is muscle weight, and it works every time.
Thanks for making my day!!

Trish @ Lily-Rose Cottage said...

Janette that is so cheeky - but absolutely hilarious!!
btw. Did you know that sometimes your weight goes up when you lose fat?
It's the muscles.
So perhaps you're just getting stronger :-)
Thanks for such a great laugh today!!

Anonymous said...

Janette - Yep, I can relate! :) Thank you for sharing this today and yes, the gift of laughter is a simple pleasure.


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, I love it! I'm the type who laughs at myself when I trip or stomp my toe and go back and forth between the pain and the laughter. Laughter always wins though. ;)

I saw your profile picture come up on other simple pleasures participant pages and I thought to myself, "Oh my goodness, I have to go visit Lucy." hehehe

Thanks for stopping by earlier. Looking forward to visiting next week. Blessings!

Canadagirl said...

Pretty FUNNY. Yes I can relate. The funny thing is about 22 years ago I use to be a fitness instructor. Now? Well I am a hs mama that needs to loose 25lbs. ((sigh)) Thanks for the good laugh. *grin*


Barb said...

Hi Janette,
I totally relate to what you have written, and I admire your determination in sticking out the week.
I have a love/hate relationship with exercise....mostly hate.
Your sense of humor is so refreshing. Thanks for making me laugh
God Bless
Barb from Australia

KarenHarveyCox said...

Oh, this is hysterical. If laughter helps you lose weight, then I just lost ten pounds.


La Vie Quotidienne said...

this is hysterical...loved it and I am one of those people that enjoy exercise, but sometimes it really does seem as described here. Very funny.

Dayle said...

You've shared one of my favorite things to do--laugh! And, yes, at myself mostly. (hehe)

www.brendayoder.blogspot.com said...

I love the new look of your blog! Thanks for the laughter. I know the feeling of committing to exercise 30 minutes a day, eating meals that come in frozen boxes, and to what avail? I am sure though the pounds aren't falling as quickly as I'd like them, I hope I have better skin and can breathe better, or something like that! Thanks for the laugh

Rebecca said...

What a HOOT! Thanks for the laughter!

Lea also known as "CiCi" said...

Lord have mercy! how funny is this! Thanks for the laughter, it truly is the best medicine. I'll just stick with my 2 miles each day on my treadmill and "call it good." :o) Happy weekend!

LDH said...

Laughter is sometimes all we can do... and we are usually better for it :) I enjoyed your post!

Debi said...

Absolutely hilarious!! Love it!!

Maria said...

Hi Janette!
Oh I laughed through this post twice... I just reread it to my husband and will send it off to my sister.
I love the last line...
"If God wanted us to bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds"
It would have been a perfect line for me to use when explaining why I didn't like going to yoga. We were bent over for too long, for too many times doing that position called "down dog"
I'm a creature that stands on two feet, not four!
I thought being bent over that long was completely unnatural!
I just told a friend that I bake too often...mostly out of celebration and procrastination. {for things I should be doing, but just don't want to}
I really enjoyed the laughter here!

A multi-dimensional life said...

I'm still laughing, picturing you brushing your teeth! And the thought of parking on top of a Geo with herniated pecs...and the stair monster! Haha...I'll call it that forevermore! :) Oh Ronaldo, Ronaldo, wherefore art thou Ronaldo...or could it be...satan?! hahaha! What a tranformation in Ronaldo from day one!
A little repenting to do tomorrow after the church van delivers you?!
What the forecast?! LOL...still laughing!

Behany said...

Thank you, I enjoy reading your blog!

Debbie said...

You are way too funny Janette! It's always good to laugh. However, I have to tell you that I really am losing weight. Can you believe it? But I have to say I DO NOT exercise two hours a day; no time. LOL.

Blessings and love,

His Song to Sing said...

Thanks for the laugh, Janette! Recently I considered working with a personal trainer for a few sessions. I haven't followed up with that thought ... sounds like I might have done myself a favor! I'm sure I would have ended up strongly disliking her skinny little self!

Of course, we're heading into beach weather here in the Florida Panhandle. I must come up with some way to lose the winter gain!

Michelle DeRusha@Graceful said...

Yikes -- I have to say, I'll take an ever-expanding cushy bottom to working out every day for 2 hours. I can think of better ways to enjoy my free time! I have nothing against exercise, but I do it within reason, so I have time leftover for more joyful pursuits.

Hey, you've gotta laugh at yourself sometimes, right? It keeps you from crying!

And maybe you are gaining weight because muscles weighs more than fat. Seriously, it's true!

You keep up the good work -- you're doing a darn fine job, and your heart will thank you for all that dedicated walking!

Anonymous said...

Haven't laughed so hard in ages!!!!
Nearly fell off my chair!!
Wonderful---am putting it in favorites for a rainy day
Shirley in Virginia

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