Note to Self - Laugh

NOTE to SELF - Never try to enter a conversation or should I say, try to relate to another woman who is clearly more successful in an area than you are.  Did this wisdom pop into my middle-aged, metabolism-zero,  50 pounds-overweight, grey-haired head...........WHY NO! 


I just jumped right into the exercise conversation with a possibly100 pounds-soaking-wet, gets-up every morning at 5-am-to-work-out for-two-hours, in-training for a-5K to-be-run with her-in-shape-husband, exercise-expert-mother....to try to relate.  Can you say...."Oh SEE it Coming."  I charmed in with, "yes, I am working out an hour a day with a 5 mile walk/jog video."  As the conversation left my area of success, I felt it all hitting the fan.  It went this way, "you know you have to work out an hour to maintain your weight and two hours to lose weight...that is for women our age."  Now she was trying to relate...which can't happen since she is years younger and doesn't have an ounce to lose.  I continued to inhale my plate full of food and crawled home to... EXERCISE..............NOT!!!!!  To mourn the fact that after two complete months of walk/jogging up to 17 miles per week, my scales are climbing....not declining.  

So, today I celebrate my SIMPLE PLEASURE for the week....LAUGHTER!!! and mainly laughing at myself.  After the following email was sent to me by a friend, who is in the same exercise shoes as me...(now I changed some "course" words which I don't use), but it got me off my ever-expanding bottom and I walked/jogged six miles.  I hope you can join me in the laugh, even if you are one who doesn't need to lose an ounce.  I am sure not telling others how to do lose weight....I am not an expert, but I can tell you how to gain weight.

You can visualize your own trainer!

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband  purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Ronaldo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Ronaldo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with dark hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!
Ronaldo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Ronaldo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Ronaldo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Ronaldo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members..  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Ronaldo put me on the stair monster.  Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Ronaldo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other crap,  too.

THURSDAY:
(You can pick a word) was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that donkey Ronaldo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Ronaldo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice, wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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Thanks to my friend and her email, I enjoyed the Simple Pleasure of Laughter! I hope your week brings you many opportunities to laugh.