Feeding the Alligators

Parenting adult children is a lot like feeding alligators. If you stay too far away, the alligator will starve.  If you get too close, you might lose your head. Allen Teal

Another challenge brought at the "middle-of-life" is the balancing act of releasing your children into the world, while knowing when to reach out and when to back off.  All women hear from day one of motherhood that "you will need to cut those apron strings".  What that means is never really explained.  You will hear a disgruntled young bride use the words to describe her mother-in-law, while she is sitting in her own mother's kitchen.  So while mothers are trying to figure out what this all means, so are the young adults who have ventured out into the world of adulthood.  For mothers, it is a hard balancing act of their hearts.  How do you care so much and also allow them to fall on their face when they choose wrong?  The rules aren't usually as easy to write out as people would make you believe. Isn't that life?

The other side of this coin is that even if the transition has been smooth in your home, it usually hasn't been a easy transition in a friend's home.

As I continue to walk through totally releasing my adult children, I also continue to see my friends' struggles with what is happening in their homes.  In the last month, the emails, text messages and calls I received included:

• an adult child (because society labels them adults at age 18 even if maturity isn't in place yet) ran from home with the possibility of drug involvement, leaving parents not knowing their whereabouts
• another young adult child went through a divorce (in their 20's)
• another young adult child threatened to leave home while not willing to live under house rules
• another had legal problems with the law
• another fell into serious money abuse
• another refused to have any spiritual involvement
• another announced that they were not destined to go to heaven, but created for hell
• others pushed the levels of Christian morality
• others blamed parents for all the sins in their lives
• others were totally clueless on what to do with their lives, while continuing to allow parents to support them, but not wanting parental involvement in their lives

As I recall, the prodigal son in the Bible wasn't from a severe or sub-standard home environment, just like all the situations mentioned above, and yet he became a prodigal. His father's heart must have broken when he handed his son his inheritance.  Behavior doesn't necessarily reflect the home environment and all people are responsible for their own actions. The prodigal  father stepped back and allowed the son to leave.

While this time of life can be full of tremendous joy...marriages, grandchildren, college graduations, career advancement, as well as watching your child spiritual lives increase, there are those times that hurt deeply.  As we rejoice over our children's good choices, may we also allow them to choose wrong.  May we understand that they need to be released to Him totally, while giving compassion to others who find themselves hurting from their children's bad choices.  God isn't finished with any of us and this moment is only a blink in time.  Let's hold each other up through all seasons of parenting... rejoicing and crying as the time demands, and not condemning each other.


Ex. 17:12-13 "When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it.  Aaron and Hur held his hands up - one on one side, one on the other side, so that his hands remained steady till sunset.  As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.

May we be each others' Aaron and Hur and see the battles won!

Excellent resource - When Good Kids Make Bad Choices - Elysee Fitzpatrick and Jim Newheiser